I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
