Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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