So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
