Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
