Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize