Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
