My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
