Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
