If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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