I wish I only lived at night.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
