OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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