Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
