i think my tv is drunk
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
