I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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