my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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