Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
