She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
