i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
