Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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