i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
