Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
