Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
