Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
thus making me awesome and them whores
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize