I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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