3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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