I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
