Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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