I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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