I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
