man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
