he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
