he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
