im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Randomize
