K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize