This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
