so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
