I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
