Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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