Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize