Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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