??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so let's talk penis.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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