I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
