I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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