I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
