Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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