Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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