why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
