"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
