I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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