I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
