After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
