I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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