You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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