You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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