im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
