Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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